Tag: Humor

The Belgium Connection!

Adirondack Bear Tales has gone international!

Adirondack Bear Tales has gotten some great reviews from several folks I respect, including Joy Neal Kidney, the author of Leora’s Letters. However, it seems that Adirondack Bear Tales has also now gone international, getting a great review from Denzil Walton, a full-time freelance writer living in Belgium.

Discovering Belgium is Denzil’s personal blog, which focuses on exploring the many wonders of Belgium, offering suggestions for days out, hikes, cycle rides, nature reserves, castles, museums, city trips, and much more.

A few excerpts from the review …

The stories are all short, and there are only eleven, so the entire book can be read in 30 minutes or so. But they are all delightful, easy to read and captivating. Quality rather than quantity!

A 12-year girl comes face to face with a bear during a night-time bathroom break! … The hilarious account of Grandma locking Grandpa out of the car while Grandpa tussles with a bear for ownership of a bag of garbage. The stubbornness of an Uncle who refuses to let the local bear destroy the bird feeder and steal the seeds … a handful of other stories illustrating the close relationship between the people and the bears of the Adirondacks.

The book is well-written … frequently involve the author’s grandparents … ideal for grandparents to read as bedtime stories to their young grandchildren … in my case, as someone living in a country where wild bears disappeared centuries ago, as an insight into a completely different world where a black bear might appear in your garden or even your kitchen!

You can read the entire review by clicking here!

And thank you, Denzil, for the amazing review. It is much appreciated.

Click here to check out some of my book reviews. You might find a few you want to read to help pass the time during the Covid-19 stay-at-home period.

Reblog: Redefined Words by Changing a Letter

These are really very humorous! And, really tickled the upper end of my humerus!

Oops! I changed one and omitted one! My bad …

e-Quips

 The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,  subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
> 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
>
> 2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
>
> 3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
>
> 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
>
> 5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
>
> 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
>
> 7. Giraffiti:…

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Sharpen Your Writing Skills!

Using Twitter to sharpen your writing skills?

But I don’t want to deal with the politics, vitriol. and hatred on Twitter!

Well, you don’t have to.

Yes! Twitter is in the news a lot. We hear about the vitriol and hate some express on Twitter. We hear about the censorship of conservative voices, and now we have just heard Twitter is banning all “political” ads.

It is easy to get caught up in the noise. And, I must admit I have been caught up in it a time or two … or three … or perhaps even four, myself.

However, I am going to try to work on that. Just be choosy in who or what you “follow.”

Now, about those writing skills …

sharpen your writing skills

One thing I really do enjoy on Twitter, is the supportive writing community. And I do participate in several, what I call “prompted Micro Fiction.” How it works is you get a daily word prompt, and you have the length of a Tweet to write a story, poem, or whatever you feel like writing. It is actually quite fun, and it does truly help sharpen your writing skills. I really like the #vss365 writing challenge.

Here a some examples I have written:


#lucid

“Damn! Clovis, that’s one hell of a shiner you’re sporting there! What happened?”

“The old lady asked me if her yoga pants made her look fat, Clem.”

“And, you said yes?”

“Damn, Clem, I didn’t want to lie to her!”

“Not one of your more #lucid moments, Clovis!

#vss365


#strike

Day-umm! Clovis! That’s one hell of a bruise!”

“Yep! It’s part second degree burn too!”

“Dude! What happened?”

“Well, guess I shot my mouth off at the old lady, Clem.”

“So, a bruise and a burn, Clovis?”

“The #strike came while the iron was still hot, Clem.”

#vss365


#verify

“What did the cops want Joe?”

“They needed to #verify where I was last night. There was some kind of upscuddle at the strip club. Told em I was with you.”

“But I was in that upscuddle Joe!”

“The cops don’t know that Clem.”

“I can #verify you’re an idiot Joe!”

#vss365


#second

“Listen Joe, there are two things life taught me.”

“Really? What’s are they Clem?”

“The first is that bills always travel through the mail much faster than checks.”

“And … the #second?”

“Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”

#vss365

Then sometimes, I even let my “romantic fool” side show …


#mystery

I will never understand the #mystery that is a woman’s heart!

She said to me once, “never underestimate the blackness that can be found there,” and then together, we had five of the best years of my life.

Turns out, I should have listened.

#vss365


#longing

There is a longing that cuts deep, to depths of my very soul. I live to again hear her voice, that wonderful laugh, to see her smile. I miss the stars that danced in her eyes. I pray that I will again feel the warmth of her loving embrace.

#vss365


#bottle

I looked over at her, finishing her last shot of Tequila, a sour look on her face.

“What’s up?” I asked. “Don’t #bottle that shit up inside. Let it go! Get it out in the open!”

She did! All over my brand new Nikes!

#vss365


So think about giving it a try!

Some of these Tweets got a really great response. But regardless, it is a lot of fun and a simple way to find out what other people, strangers, think about your writing.

Don’t forget to check out Serpents Underfoot and Adirondack Bear Tales, available at Amazon.

And for other interesting posts, click here!

Let’s Talk Turkey!

Happy Thanksgiving

happy thanksgiving

A Tom (male) turkey’s head is normally white or light gray. When his head turns blue, that indicates he’s really excited. This happens during the Spring mating season. I took this photo last April. This Tom was strutting around and courting several hens in the front yard.

As a little side note, a friend commented that he think it’s a pretty darn good thing human male’s heads don’t turn blue when they are excited.


A Little Thanksgiving Humor

Suggested Readings (Tongue in Cheek)

Do you have enough material for your winter reading list?

funny bone

A friend of mine posted these selections. A few of them looked pretty interesting, so I thought I would share them here.

  • How to Write Big Books by Warren Peace
  • The Lion Attacked by Claude Yarmoff
  • The Art of Archery by Beau N. Arrow
  • Songs for Children by Barbara Blacksheep
  • Irish Heart Surgery by Angie O’PLasty
  • Desert Crossing by I. Rhoda Camel
  • School Truancy by Marcus Absent
  • I Was a Cloakroom Attendant by Mahatma Coate
  • I Lost My Balance by Eileen Dover and Phil Down
  • Positive Reinforcement by Wade Ago
  • Shhh! by Danielle Soloud
  • The Philippine Post Office by Imelda Letter
  • Stop Arguing by Xavier Breath
  • Spots on the Wall by Hu Phlong Poo
  • Yellow River by I.P. Freely
  • Under the Bleachers by C. Moor Butts
  • 50 Yards to the Outhouse by Willie Makit and Betty Wont

Reading is fundamental … but humor is good for the soul!

On another note, Serpents Underfoot is now available on Audible.com. I hope you will take a minute to check it out!

Starve a Cold and Feed a Fever

Or, is it Feed a cold and starve a fever?

I was never quite sure which it was. And, since I have spent the last few days battling a cold, or maybe the flu, I decided to check. It seems starving is never correct! A well-balanced diet can help you stay healthy and defeat either a cold or a fever! How about that? This is really good new for me because I hate to starve!

Other possible remedies

I was certainly relieved to read I did not have to starve to beat whatever it is I am dealing with. But, being a bit bored, I still looked for a few other possible cold remedies. I came across a few others that might be worth trying … or not.

The Naval Cure (I like this one)

starve

An author friend of mine, D (Joe) Guy, who writes fascinating tales of of romance, love and tragedy with an Italian twist is a retired Navy man. He told me they had a sure-fire cure for any cold in the Navy. You just get a bottle of good whiskey, some honey and some lemons. Then you throw away the honey and the lemons and drink the whiskey!

Cold Wet Socks?

This one did not sound very appealing to me, but many people claim it does work. All you do is soak your feet in hot water for about three minutes. Next, you wet a pair of cotton anklet socks with cold water and put them on. Then, you put thick wool socks on over those and go to bed.

Supposedly, while you sleep, the blood vessels in your cold feet will constrict and push good nutrients up to your organs to help fight the infection. Then, as your feet start to adjust and warm up, your blood vessels will dilate and help send all the “junk” from your organs into your bloodstream, allowing your body to remove it naturally.

Not sure I want to try this one, but hey … who knows? MindBodyGreen.com

Get Down to Your Local Chipotle

starve

Chili peppers, it seems, are what you need when you have a cold. I might be willing to try this one since I don’t have to starve and I do like spicy food!

ABCNews claims this works because chilis contain a compound called capsaicin which is an irritant as well as the thing that makes them spicy.

I guess, if you are all stuffed up, it does kind of make sense to eat something that will make your nose run and your eyes water. So, have some hot wings, spicy chili, some Korean BBQ, or hot Mexican dish. Or, maybe some chili powder in your tea or brownies. Chilis are nature’s remedy for congestion.

Okay then!

I tried the Naval Cure and I now feel a little better. Therefore, I am done with the whole cold-battling thing. I may have one more snort and then crawl off to bed.

Check out my other interesting blog posts by clicking here!

And remember, my two really awesome books for sale on amazon.com. Both are available in Kindle and paperback and both are getting great reviews! Serpents Underfoot (A Military Action Thriller) and Adirondack Bear Tales (True Life Adirondack Bear Encounters). I would be honored to have you read one or both of them. Remember to let me know what you think.

Mathematics! Is It Really That Important!

Mathematics is a vital key to success in the world!

Math is a methodical explanation of our universe! Math makes our life orderly and helps eliminate chaos. Many human qualities are developed and strengthened by mathematics including the ability to reason, to create, to think abstractly or use spatial thinking, critical thinking skills, and problem-solving abilities.

So! What does all this have to do with the kinds of things I normally blog about you may ask?  Not a darn thing! I just thought the little story I posted below was quite illustrative of that point.  And, it made me chuckle, so I thought I would share it!  It is taken from a Twitter post by @Bofferson:

Under Siege!

A rampaging viking army that understands the mathematics of war and does not care about political correctness.

King Geoff II looked out from his castle window.

“How big is their army?”

“10,000 men Sire.”

“And ours?”

“9,000 men Sire.”

“So as a percentage, how much bigger is their army than ours?”

“Um mm, 1000%?”

“We’d better surrender then.”

And that’s why math is so important kids!

Check out Serpents Underfoot, available for Kindle, only $3.99!

Russia Hacks the Oscars

oscars-awards-nominations-2017

Breaking News! It’s official! Russia hacked the Oscars! Putin switched the envelopes for the best picture award. There were loud cries of moral indignation and righteous outrage from the left-wing Hollywood Elites. Many tears of grief were shed resulting in elaborate Oscar gowns, some valued at many thousands of dollars, being totally ruined … stained with tears and running mascara!

An unnamed highly-placed source within the Oscar organization stated that spontaneous protests are currently being organized and will commence just as soon as they can get funding from George Soros and the signs they ordered back from the printers. #NOTOURLALALAND.

Hillary Clinton, just back from her latest staged “accidental” meet up with a loyal young female supporter in the woods, was quoted as stating she was ” 100% behind the downtrodden, disenfranchised and forgotten Hollywood Elites and would certainly be there for them in 2020!”

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, upon hearing the news of this catastrophic occurrence, quickly went on the record, stating that, “This is simply additional evidence that President Trump should be impeached.  It should be illegal to traumatize the loyal supporters of so many undocumented illegal immigrants that cross our borders illegally! It is un-American and contrary to our unique American heritage,  After all, we are a nation of laws!”

President Trump, reacted to the news early this morning by tweeting, @POTUS Freaking Awesome!  The mainstream media outlets were outraged, then they were even more outraged, and finally, they were even more outraged! (Did I mention the mainstream media was outraged?)

The one bright shining light in this disastrous tragedy … Warren Beatty handled it calmly and brilliantly by doing exactly what actors do best. He read what was printed on the card even though it was dead wrong!

Breaking News: Russia Hacks the Oscars

russia hacks oscarsBreaking News … Russia Hacks the Oscars!

It’s official! Russia hacked the Oscars! Putin switched the envelopes for the best picture award. There were loud cries of moral indignation and righteous outrage from the left-wing Hollywood Elites. Hollywood Elites shed many tears of grief.  Elaborate Oscar gowns, some valued at many thousands of dollars, are totally ruined … stained with tears and running mascara!

An unnamed highly-placed source within the Oscar organization stated that spontaneous Anti-Trump protests are currently being organized and will commence just as soon as they can get funding from George Soros, and the signs they ordered back from the printers. #NOTOURLALALAND.

But Hillary and Chuck Refuse to be Upstaged by this Russia Hacking News

Hillary Clinton, just back from her latest staged “accidental” meet up with a loyal young female supporter in the woods, was quoted as stating she was ” 100% behind the downtrodden, disenfranchised and forgotten Hollywood Elites and would certainly be there for them and her Russian friends in 2020!”

After hearing the news, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer quickly went on the record. Schumer stated, “This is simply additional evidence that President Trump should be impeached.  It should be illegal to traumatize the loyal supporters of so many undocumented illegal immigrants that cross our borders illegally! It is un-American and contrary to our unique American heritage, After all, we are a nation of laws!”

A Presidential Response

President Trump, reacted to the news early this morning by tweeting, @POTUS Freaking Awesome!  This outraged the mainstream media outlets. Then this outraged the mainstream media even more. And finally, it outraged them even more! ( I did mention that this outraged the mainstream media?)

The one bright shining light in this disastrous tragedy … Warren Beatty handled it calmly and brilliantly by doing exactly what actors do best. He read on the script … even though it was dead wrong!

Unnamed Officials Neither Confirm Nor Deny Unofficial Quote!

I thought this was funny and had to share!  Just a little humor from The People’s Cube:

Miss_Information_Quotations_600

According to unnamed reliable sources, the White House is set to announce the formation of the Federal Bureau of “Quotations” to oversee media citations of all official White House announcements and denials of previous announcements.

In future, all media citations must fit within strictly defined classifications: unnamed, well-placed, unnamed well-placed, un-quoted, official, unofficial, official unnamed, official un-quoted, official well-placed, reliable, unnamed reliable, well-placed reliable, official unnamed well-placed, and unofficial un-quoted unnamed well-placed reliable.

The Federal Bureau of “Quotations” has set up a website to help the media and the reading public understand what the new classifications mean. An official unnamed well-placed reliable source said the site will be user-friendly, featuring a cute feline mascot named Miss Information to lead readers through the many details.

An unnamed well-placed un-quoted official didn’t clarify whether, when spoken, the new entity should be pronounced as “Bureau of quote Quotations unquote” or simply stated as “Bureau of Quotations” with air quotes given at the appropriate moment. A second well-placed reliable source claimed air quotes should not be used so as not to offend the eye-hand-coordination-challenged.

When contacted, a third unofficial un-quoted unnamed well-placed reliable source denied everything, but confirmed multiple job openings at the Bureau’s community-based Quotations Correctional facilities to help maintain safe, cost-efficient, and secure environment for media professionals in need of self-improvement opportunities offered to them by dedicated Quotations Correctional Officers.

~ Will Beria, The People’s Cube