Category: Comedic Relief

The Military Mind?

I paid another visit to CHERRIESWRITER – VIETNAM WAR WEBSITE, and came across this gem of a post called, I Jest You Not! I actually remember many of these military sayings. A lot of them are hilarious, and they all get the intended point across. I listed a few of my favorites here. To view the post and the entire list, click here!

Military Wisdom: Sayings and terms to reflect on.

Recoilless rifles – aren’t.

If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.

If at first, you don’t succeed, call in an airstrike.

Never forget your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

The Old Ranger’s Addendum: Or else they’re trying to suck you into a serious ambush!

Tracers work both ways.

The one item you need is always in short supply.

Interchangeable parts aren’t.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

If the enemy is within range, so are you.

And remember,

The least questioned assumptions are often the most questionable.

Stephen R. Covet

Reblog: Redefined Words by Changing a Letter

These are really very humorous! And, really tickled the upper end of my humerus!

Oops! I changed one and omitted one! My bad …

e-Quips

 The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,  subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
> 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
>
> 2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
>
> 3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
>
> 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
>
> 5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
>
> 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
>
> 7. Giraffiti:…

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Let’s Talk Turkey!

Happy Thanksgiving

happy thanksgiving

A Tom (male) turkey’s head is normally white or light gray. When his head turns blue, that indicates he’s really excited. This happens during the Spring mating season. I took this photo last April. This Tom was strutting around and courting several hens in the front yard.

As a little side note, a friend commented that he think it’s a pretty darn good thing human male’s heads don’t turn blue when they are excited.


A Little Thanksgiving Humor

Early Morning Cat Fu

Our early morning constitutional …

cat fu

Sophie and I take a walk every morning to start our day. It was a beautifully crisp fall morning and we were enjoying our walk. Urgent matters behind us, we were headed back toward the hacienda, when suddenly a rather large yellow feral cat stepped out of the brush and faced us down. Both Sophie and the cat spotted each other at precisely the same time. The cat froze, it’s tail twitching in an irritated manner, but it did not move. Sophie froze as well, and so began an epic stare-down! Neither Sophie nor the cat would move. Just an occasional twitch of the cat’s tail while Sophie remained coiled like a spring … ready to leap.

It was like the story of the two old masters

I used to tell kids in my children’s karate classes a story about two old Okinawan karate masters where were manipulated into a challenge match. They met on the beach at sunrise, and faced each other as the villagers gathered to see the epic fight. Shifting into their ready stances, each fixed a powerful gaze on the other and waited.

I watched as the cat stood its ground, staring at Sophie with its own ‘powerful gaze.” Sophie stared right back, not blinking and immovable. Neither were willing to give ground or surrender to the other’s “chi.”

In the story of the two old masters, after an hour of watching the masters face each other unflinchingly, the villagers, some what disappointed, deemed the challenge match a tie … and everyone went home.

In the case of Sophie and the cat, after several minutes, I called it a tie and we all went home.

cat fu
I didn’t get a picture of the cat, so this will have to do …

Lessons learned …

Each of the old masters understood that the first one to attack, would die. That is why there is “no first strike in karate.” You cannot move without creating an opening. All the other combatant has to do is be patient and skilled enough to take advantage of that opening.

In the case of Sophie and the cat, I think the cat, obviously being the older and wiser of the two, decided it was too fine a morning for a spat, and nonchalantly sauntered back off into the underbrush.

Sophie, on the other hand, seemed very proud of herself, having just saved her master from the evil ninja cat that leapt out from the dark woods to wreak destruction and vengeance on the entire universe!

It was definitely an interesting start to a new day!

If you have time, please take a minute and check out Serpents Underfoot and Adirondack Bear Tales on Amazon.com.

Suggested Readings (Tongue in Cheek)

Do you have enough material for your winter reading list?

funny bone

A friend of mine posted these selections. A few of them looked pretty interesting, so I thought I would share them here.

  • How to Write Big Books by Warren Peace
  • The Lion Attacked by Claude Yarmoff
  • The Art of Archery by Beau N. Arrow
  • Songs for Children by Barbara Blacksheep
  • Irish Heart Surgery by Angie O’PLasty
  • Desert Crossing by I. Rhoda Camel
  • School Truancy by Marcus Absent
  • I Was a Cloakroom Attendant by Mahatma Coate
  • I Lost My Balance by Eileen Dover and Phil Down
  • Positive Reinforcement by Wade Ago
  • Shhh! by Danielle Soloud
  • The Philippine Post Office by Imelda Letter
  • Stop Arguing by Xavier Breath
  • Spots on the Wall by Hu Phlong Poo
  • Yellow River by I.P. Freely
  • Under the Bleachers by C. Moor Butts
  • 50 Yards to the Outhouse by Willie Makit and Betty Wont

Reading is fundamental … but humor is good for the soul!

On another note, Serpents Underfoot is now available on Audible.com. I hope you will take a minute to check it out!

5 Rules For Scooping Dog Poop!

Scoop Your Dog’s Poop!

With a very long history of owning dogs, often several at a time, I have cleaned up a lot of dog poop in my life! It is simply what you, as a responsible dog owner, do. So, it is frustrating to me how so many dog owners just can’t seem to be responsible enough to do the same. Do we need to institute dog poop police?  Or, perhaps task the NSA with spying on non-poop-scooping-compliant dog owners? Do we need Big Brother watching us? That’s a bit scary, so I hope it doesn’t come to that. Cleaning up after your pet is part of being a responsible dog owner. Can’t we figure out a way to promote that message without creeping everyone out?

The Five Rules of Scooping Poop!

Always pick it up

This seems obvious enough, and yet we all know dog owners who choose not to exercise this common courtesy.

One important reason to pick it up is simple cleanliness. Then there is also the fact that parasites like giardia, roundworm, hookworm, and all those other intestinal worms can accumulate in areas where dog feces are not picked up. Pet waste also has a nasty effect on groundwater.

But mostly, I say pick it up because dog crap is disgusting. I don’t want to walk down a sidewalk or trail and smell an offending odor, only to realize I’ve stepped in your dog’s poop and will now have a reminder of your lousy dog poop etiquette for the rest of my walk.

Responsibly dispose of poop

poopHonestly, most of us will be very happy if you simply pick it up. Where it goes after that is of little concern to many people. One way to dispose of your dog’s doodoo might be to simply flush it down the toilet. But I’m afraid with the amount of poop some dogs produce, you might need  to have a plumber on speed dial. However, if it is properly bagged and sealed, trash cans work fine. Also, there are poop disposal stations in may parks today.

Deal with diarrhea by preventing it

The best way to deal with loose doggy stool is to prevent it to begin with by keeping your pet on a healthy diet.  However if it is already too late for that, you can certainly sprinkle a little dirt, sand or mulch on it before scooping it up.

Pick up and dispose of poop even in the great outdoors

When you’re out communing with nature, that old adage “if you pack it in, pack it out” still applies … even to pet waste.  And, please don’t just hang the full poop bag on a tree branch like some people do. That’s just plain crude and disgusting.

Continue reading “5 Rules For Scooping Dog Poop!”

Russia Hacks the Oscars

oscars-awards-nominations-2017

Breaking News! It’s official! Russia hacked the Oscars! Putin switched the envelopes for the best picture award. There were loud cries of moral indignation and righteous outrage from the left-wing Hollywood Elites. Many tears of grief were shed resulting in elaborate Oscar gowns, some valued at many thousands of dollars, being totally ruined … stained with tears and running mascara!

An unnamed highly-placed source within the Oscar organization stated that spontaneous protests are currently being organized and will commence just as soon as they can get funding from George Soros and the signs they ordered back from the printers. #NOTOURLALALAND.

Hillary Clinton, just back from her latest staged “accidental” meet up with a loyal young female supporter in the woods, was quoted as stating she was ” 100% behind the downtrodden, disenfranchised and forgotten Hollywood Elites and would certainly be there for them in 2020!”

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, upon hearing the news of this catastrophic occurrence, quickly went on the record, stating that, “This is simply additional evidence that President Trump should be impeached.  It should be illegal to traumatize the loyal supporters of so many undocumented illegal immigrants that cross our borders illegally! It is un-American and contrary to our unique American heritage,  After all, we are a nation of laws!”

President Trump, reacted to the news early this morning by tweeting, @POTUS Freaking Awesome!  The mainstream media outlets were outraged, then they were even more outraged, and finally, they were even more outraged! (Did I mention the mainstream media was outraged?)

The one bright shining light in this disastrous tragedy … Warren Beatty handled it calmly and brilliantly by doing exactly what actors do best. He read what was printed on the card even though it was dead wrong!